Tuesday, June 6, 2017

I Want to Delete My Life

As badly as I wanted my life and state of mind to improve since last year, unfortunately my situations (to use a cliche) have gone from bad to worse.

The Depressing Whatever-stuff

  I always thought that when I grew up and became and adult that life would be simpler than it was when I was a child because I always looked up to "grown-ups" throughout my entire adolescent life and thought that they had everything figured out and that I would someday grow up to be successful, not just in the sense of having a career and all that, but in a more emotional way. I most certainly did not have a bad childhood by any means as my dad tried his very best to raise me while he was a single parent (my mother wasn't much in my life, only for about five years... and she beat and abused the shit out of me, my half-siblings-which-I-hate-very-much, and my dad). But even after trying to think of something positive I can focus on or even really anything that could take my mind off of both my emotional damage and my constant physical pain/fatigue, I'm letting all of the bad mojo to kick me in my metaphorical life-ass. 

Some of you may have already ready my previous blog and know a little bit about all of the shit that has gone onto me since my last post back in August 2016, and for those extra unlucky people who actually know me and talk to me on a regular basis .. well, you already hear me constantly bitching and moaning about how I still cry one to five times each day while simultaneously struggling to move around (and the occasional falling down in the hallway/kitchen/shower) due to my anxiety levels making my fibromyalgia worsen while my chest and head constantly ache in pain, day in and day out. So many more things worry me now, I mean the same stuff worry me like my medical costs for example: had to have surgery in February to have my gallbladder removed resulting in over $30k worth of medical bills that will never be paid, my prescriptions for all of my mental and physical ailments no longer doing the job they could do which puts me in the situation of having to go see my doctor to get an increase, but OH WAIT!!, I can't afford that either... and even when I call in for a refill on my current meds the doctor office is now demanding I go in for a check-up before they will refill things like my lithium for bipolar, or my gabapentin for my fibro, or my atarax and cymbalta for my anxiety... or is it my generic zoloft for my depression? And to top that all off: I got a final denial for my disability claim back in May 2017 which means now I have to hire a lawyer and argue my case in front of court and hopefully the phone call I have with my lawyer (I'm too scared to leave the house, so THANK YOU AGORAPHOBIA!) later this week (Wed, June 7) which means at the very earliest there is a very low possibility I might have my benefits come December, just in time for my birthday. 

I want to focus a little bit more on talking about my depression because even though there have been events that have occurred that some people might misinterpret as "good" or "Hey, that's not so bad!", my depression has not improved, in fact it has gotten worse. No, I do not have voices in my head telling me to end my life, BUT there are moments where everything seems so hopeless and bleak and I want to just finish my life and be done. I still want to go to sleep at night and not wake up in the morning... there are so many instances where I feel and say, "What's the point of anything? Nothing will get better so I might as well just delete my Google account, my Twitch account, my Reddit, everything! Burn all of the bridges and say fuck it to life!", but then I come back and sort of whiplash from all of that and start to regret something I haven't done... I mean, there was one time I got close but I didn't go all the way. 


The only thing that I do now to keep myself truly occupied, or did I should say, was stream and play games with my friends on Twitch but lately with my CPU woes getting worse, every time I try to stream on Twitch, my PC just can't handle it any more and even sometimes when I play a game my entire computer will just crash and shut off... and I figured if I can't play games and can't stream which was literally all I had, then why should I even try anymore? What is even the point of trying if everything you put your time and effort into is just going to be one big stupid fat failure? That's all anything is anymore when I try to put some thought into something, either I completely suck at something or the thing I try to do or use breaks. So my PC is crap, so I asked my dad to buy me a new PC and it's pretty great, but when it comes it turns out the inside of the case can't fit my better video-card, my power source or my many fans... so I tell him to send it back and he offers to buy me one that is more suited to my needs... but I just have this overwhelming guilt come down from my shoulders and works its way into my stomach... and it's not just for this whole computer thing but it's this way for ANYTHING when someone offers to do something for me... like why? What would you want to do something for a worthless sack of crap like me? I don't deserve a single thing from anyone or anything. I mean if I was meant to have good things then I wouldn't be disabled and I'd still be able to work and have income.. I'd still have my wife and my children with me.. it's been over a year since they left and no, things have not gotten better.

 And there I go again bitching about how I feel utterly worthless. People will sometimes say things to me and offer me their advice and sometimes... I just don't want their advice.. sometimes I just want to vent and yes, sometimes I do become wildly upset at myself and then of course I become slightly irritated at others even when I am the only person to blame. I like my friends... they try to encourage me on Reddit, Twitch or my chat... but sometimes it's not enough. 

Like I said, I just want to delete my life because it has been nothing but a waste of the world's time.

Oh, there's a PART TWO...