Wednesday, June 7, 2017

I Want to Delete My Life - Pt. 2

So it's a few hours since my phone call with my lawyer, you know the thing I talked about the other day..and unfortunately my lawyer will not take my case...


  Well, despite have been treated for my mental issues for many years, with most records starting in 2010... because of my age (I am only 33) and because I have not had frequent treatment from either a psychologist or psychiatrist, it is looking unlikely I would be approved for my depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, or my agoraphobia (fear of outdoors).. so his recommendation was to go see one of these mental health professionals... the catch? Well, you need money to do that.. and as I am disabled, unemployable and have no income, I cannot do this.

Now of course, the first thing I did after I was done with the call was let out and cried really hard ~ but of course I did some of this while talking to my dad.. he does have money, but there is no way in Hell I am going to ask him to shell out $400 or more PER WEEK on this type of treatment... I don't care how much money he has, or how much many anyone has, I DO NOT TAKE HANDOUTS. It's bad enough that I haven't been able to work in over two years... I feel lazy, useless, and pointless in the world already as it is... but no.

Next, there is my wonderful fibromyalgia... because I got my diagnosis in 2015 from an APRN (Advanced Practice Registered Nurse), the Social Security Administration doesn't find diagnosis and treatment from APRN's to be weighted as much as an MD... well, I've been treated for this from an MD as well... but nope, it's because of my AGE that I now need to see a specialist (rheumatologist) and get a minimum of six months of treatment... which again because I am broken as a person and have no income, that is impossible.

"So", I asked my lawyer, "what happens if I can do all of this?"... he replied that if I am able to get all of this extra medical stuff done, he might be able to take my case but again because OF MY AGE that it would take 12 to 14 months AT MINIMUM before I would ever get a hearing in court for him to argue my case.. so what I thought was "just" going to be two years (July 2015 to now) and then maaaaybe six months longer is now going to be an ordeal that can take a total of almost four years.


It's been tough enough going through all of these mental and physical issues I've had over the years, but now this just means it's going to be longer until I see my wife and kids again. My wife didn't want to be around me because of my untreated issues and lack of income, but now I will miss another round of birthdays from them.. it's bad enough I haven't seen my children in over a year but now it appears it might actually be more like THREE YEARS instead of just the one.

What is the point of even going on anymore? Really, why should I even try anymore? I don't contribute to society... all I do is sponge off of my dad living in one of his houses and not paying for ANYTHING. What is the goddamn point of even trying to fight anymore if my struggling is just causing more emotional pain on my soul? SOMEBODY PLEASE TELL ME WHAT DO!!
Because I am done trying. I just want to give up.