Wednesday, June 7, 2017

I Want to Delete My Life - Pt. 2

So it's a few hours since my phone call with my lawyer, you know the thing I talked about the other day..and unfortunately my lawyer will not take my case...


  Well, despite have been treated for my mental issues for many years, with most records starting in 2010... because of my age (I am only 33) and because I have not had frequent treatment from either a psychologist or psychiatrist, it is looking unlikely I would be approved for my depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, or my agoraphobia (fear of outdoors).. so his recommendation was to go see one of these mental health professionals... the catch? Well, you need money to do that.. and as I am disabled, unemployable and have no income, I cannot do this.

Now of course, the first thing I did after I was done with the call was let out and cried really hard ~ but of course I did some of this while talking to my dad.. he does have money, but there is no way in Hell I am going to ask him to shell out $400 or more PER WEEK on this type of treatment... I don't care how much money he has, or how much many anyone has, I DO NOT TAKE HANDOUTS. It's bad enough that I haven't been able to work in over two years... I feel lazy, useless, and pointless in the world already as it is... but no.

Next, there is my wonderful fibromyalgia... because I got my diagnosis in 2015 from an APRN (Advanced Practice Registered Nurse), the Social Security Administration doesn't find diagnosis and treatment from APRN's to be weighted as much as an MD... well, I've been treated for this from an MD as well... but nope, it's because of my AGE that I now need to see a specialist (rheumatologist) and get a minimum of six months of treatment... which again because I am broken as a person and have no income, that is impossible.

"So", I asked my lawyer, "what happens if I can do all of this?"... he replied that if I am able to get all of this extra medical stuff done, he might be able to take my case but again because OF MY AGE that it would take 12 to 14 months AT MINIMUM before I would ever get a hearing in court for him to argue my case.. so what I thought was "just" going to be two years (July 2015 to now) and then maaaaybe six months longer is now going to be an ordeal that can take a total of almost four years.


It's been tough enough going through all of these mental and physical issues I've had over the years, but now this just means it's going to be longer until I see my wife and kids again. My wife didn't want to be around me because of my untreated issues and lack of income, but now I will miss another round of birthdays from them.. it's bad enough I haven't seen my children in over a year but now it appears it might actually be more like THREE YEARS instead of just the one.

What is the point of even going on anymore? Really, why should I even try anymore? I don't contribute to society... all I do is sponge off of my dad living in one of his houses and not paying for ANYTHING. What is the goddamn point of even trying to fight anymore if my struggling is just causing more emotional pain on my soul? SOMEBODY PLEASE TELL ME WHAT DO!!
Because I am done trying. I just want to give up.

Tuesday, June 6, 2017

I Want to Delete My Life

As badly as I wanted my life and state of mind to improve since last year, unfortunately my situations (to use a cliche) have gone from bad to worse.

The Depressing Whatever-stuff

  I always thought that when I grew up and became and adult that life would be simpler than it was when I was a child because I always looked up to "grown-ups" throughout my entire adolescent life and thought that they had everything figured out and that I would someday grow up to be successful, not just in the sense of having a career and all that, but in a more emotional way. I most certainly did not have a bad childhood by any means as my dad tried his very best to raise me while he was a single parent (my mother wasn't much in my life, only for about five years... and she beat and abused the shit out of me, my half-siblings-which-I-hate-very-much, and my dad). But even after trying to think of something positive I can focus on or even really anything that could take my mind off of both my emotional damage and my constant physical pain/fatigue, I'm letting all of the bad mojo to kick me in my metaphorical life-ass. 

Some of you may have already ready my previous blog and know a little bit about all of the shit that has gone onto me since my last post back in August 2016, and for those extra unlucky people who actually know me and talk to me on a regular basis .. well, you already hear me constantly bitching and moaning about how I still cry one to five times each day while simultaneously struggling to move around (and the occasional falling down in the hallway/kitchen/shower) due to my anxiety levels making my fibromyalgia worsen while my chest and head constantly ache in pain, day in and day out. So many more things worry me now, I mean the same stuff worry me like my medical costs for example: had to have surgery in February to have my gallbladder removed resulting in over $30k worth of medical bills that will never be paid, my prescriptions for all of my mental and physical ailments no longer doing the job they could do which puts me in the situation of having to go see my doctor to get an increase, but OH WAIT!!, I can't afford that either... and even when I call in for a refill on my current meds the doctor office is now demanding I go in for a check-up before they will refill things like my lithium for bipolar, or my gabapentin for my fibro, or my atarax and cymbalta for my anxiety... or is it my generic zoloft for my depression? And to top that all off: I got a final denial for my disability claim back in May 2017 which means now I have to hire a lawyer and argue my case in front of court and hopefully the phone call I have with my lawyer (I'm too scared to leave the house, so THANK YOU AGORAPHOBIA!) later this week (Wed, June 7) which means at the very earliest there is a very low possibility I might have my benefits come December, just in time for my birthday. 

I want to focus a little bit more on talking about my depression because even though there have been events that have occurred that some people might misinterpret as "good" or "Hey, that's not so bad!", my depression has not improved, in fact it has gotten worse. No, I do not have voices in my head telling me to end my life, BUT there are moments where everything seems so hopeless and bleak and I want to just finish my life and be done. I still want to go to sleep at night and not wake up in the morning... there are so many instances where I feel and say, "What's the point of anything? Nothing will get better so I might as well just delete my Google account, my Twitch account, my Reddit, everything! Burn all of the bridges and say fuck it to life!", but then I come back and sort of whiplash from all of that and start to regret something I haven't done... I mean, there was one time I got close but I didn't go all the way. 


The only thing that I do now to keep myself truly occupied, or did I should say, was stream and play games with my friends on Twitch but lately with my CPU woes getting worse, every time I try to stream on Twitch, my PC just can't handle it any more and even sometimes when I play a game my entire computer will just crash and shut off... and I figured if I can't play games and can't stream which was literally all I had, then why should I even try anymore? What is even the point of trying if everything you put your time and effort into is just going to be one big stupid fat failure? That's all anything is anymore when I try to put some thought into something, either I completely suck at something or the thing I try to do or use breaks. So my PC is crap, so I asked my dad to buy me a new PC and it's pretty great, but when it comes it turns out the inside of the case can't fit my better video-card, my power source or my many fans... so I tell him to send it back and he offers to buy me one that is more suited to my needs... but I just have this overwhelming guilt come down from my shoulders and works its way into my stomach... and it's not just for this whole computer thing but it's this way for ANYTHING when someone offers to do something for me... like why? What would you want to do something for a worthless sack of crap like me? I don't deserve a single thing from anyone or anything. I mean if I was meant to have good things then I wouldn't be disabled and I'd still be able to work and have income.. I'd still have my wife and my children with me.. it's been over a year since they left and no, things have not gotten better.

 And there I go again bitching about how I feel utterly worthless. People will sometimes say things to me and offer me their advice and sometimes... I just don't want their advice.. sometimes I just want to vent and yes, sometimes I do become wildly upset at myself and then of course I become slightly irritated at others even when I am the only person to blame. I like my friends... they try to encourage me on Reddit, Twitch or my chat... but sometimes it's not enough. 

Like I said, I just want to delete my life because it has been nothing but a waste of the world's time.

Oh, there's a PART TWO...

Thursday, August 11, 2016

The Worst Year of My Life

I knew this year was going to be a bad one, from the very beginning of 2016.

 For years, my wife Kelly has expressed her interest in leaving me once and for all because in the past, before I had my anxiety and depression issues in check I would always react to stress in one of two ways, each as emotionally straining as the other: uncontrollable and frantic crying or the irresistible urge to just yell and scream, both of course would hurt Kelly or the kids. Of course, over the past several months since Kelly took the kids and moved over 500 miles away I have since been diagnosed and been treated for bipolar disorder. I'm actually surprised that being diagnosed with bipolar disorder took so long as I've always shown the signs for it... plus my mother had this for much of her life before contracting cancer and dying.

So what do I do now? Unfortunately when Kelly had moved out, she cancelled my medicaid insurance as we were both on the same case number and there really wasn't any way of me trying to stop her..I've since tried to reapply for the insurance but I'm still waiting to see if it got approved or denied, but I feel like this more recent diagnosis will help get it approved (I hope!). You might be thinking why don't I have insurance through another organization? Well, for years I have been suffering from bodily pain in my back, hips, arms and legs and it wasn't until I started seeing a doctor for all of this is when I discovered that the pain I've been suffering from was due to fibromyalgia and the chronic pain has only gotten worse since she left me.. as it was likely caused by all of the stressful episodes I've endured over the past eleven years.. do I blame Kelly? For most of it, sure, but me being paranoid and my ability to get easily worried hasn't helped, either.


No, the worst of it all hurts me more than any physical condition or medical diagnosis... the worst of it all is how Kelly has treated me since she left.

Kelly promised me she'd speak to me at least once a day whether it be through phone call, text message, or email. I just wanted to know for a fact that her and the kids were doing well.

Kelly promised me she'd try to send me a picture of the kids ever now and then... she sent four within the first two weeks.

Kelly has lied to her mom and dad about things regarding me. Kelly told her dad that I stole the SNAP food card when the truth is Kelly literally gave it to me as she left. I'm sure there are other things she has lied about.

I'm not saying I'm perfect, either. I've been annoying by calling her over and over and over again to the point that she changed her number, blocked my number, blocked me on several of her email addresses, locked me out of our Amazon account, our shared Google account, BLOCKED me on her Google account, blocked me on her Twitter, Netflix and other things... when she wants to do something, she makes sure it's not only very hurtful but also spiteful.

But you know what? I don't care. I don't care what she has done to me, I don't care of all the fighting we had over eleven years, all the thousands and thousands of dollars that she has taken and spent behind my back or even if she is with another man in Texas (I'm assuming, at this point), but I'd forgive her in a heartbeat. I love her. She's my Kelly, my wife, the mother of our children..

Last year on Google Plus, Kelly had posted this image:


The thing is, I disagree. I've tried everything I could think of to try to be comfortable being alone, and sometimes not alone, I've hung out with people, I try to play games, try to stream on Twitch, I try to listen to music and watch movies... but not of it is fun. I can barely watch TV anymore... I always enjoyed it watching it with Kelly or my babies. It just doesn't have that fulfillment like it used to... Hell, I've tried watching TV with other people (such as my dad), but it's just not the same. Sure, Kelly has grown quite distant from me for a while... but I still enjoyed doing stuff together than doing stuff alone. I hate sitting in this quiet house with nothing but the sound of myself... I hate it.. I miss the sound of my kids screaming at each other, I miss the sound of their laughter... I miss the sound of their tears... I miss my family.

I just want my family back. That would make everything so much better.

But at this point, I deserve to suffer.

**PS if Kelly reads this**: If there is anything I forgot to add about the bad things I've done, let me know.

Friday, December 11, 2015

The Biggest Lies Adults Tell Children

Parents and adults sometimes say things to children that aren't always true, but sometimes these lies are meant to help children remain positive about themselves while others are used to buy time.

Reddit user RevMick recently asked in /r/AskReddit an important question to the community on what the biggest lies are that we tell children.

Parents don't want to let their children down, especially when the parent knows their child or children might be incapable for ascending to a certain goal whether it be a limitation of the odds of reality or it is a limitation of their physical or mental skills. Many children in the United States at one point at another have stated in their younger years that can reach the highest point of success, everything from being a doctor, an astronaut, or even being the President of the United States. Of course it is not impossible for anything to happen, but with only 5.4% of the total population in the US are doctors and with much lower odds of being an astronaut or even being the President of the nation, it is understandable why parents might lie to their children.

However, to offer a counterpoint Reddit user jankymcjankerson says, "Well, the truth is, with the right amount of work and patience. Barring physical issues that would prevent it. You really can be anything.
People forget to put the work and patience part in there." Dedication and effort can bring a child closer to their goals as they progress through adolescence and adulthood.

Younger children want to be a part of their parents lives and sometimes children will want to emulate what they see their parents do whether it be with cleaning the dishes, getting the laundry in or out of the wash cycle, want to play the same video games their parents do and other tasks that might not yet be ready for the child to be fully prepare to do, but parents do this to not only let their children participate in the same activities, but it is also a learning opportunity to learn how to not only perform the task but also to be as competent as their adult counterparts in those same tasks.

How many times during your child years did you come running down stairs after your parents told you the food was ready to eat but then when you sit at the diner table and be told that food wasn't actually ready and then you'd just wander back into the living room and just watch TV and wait for Mom and Dad to actually get the food ready? It has happened to all of us and even experiencing it as a child, new parents will and do end up doing the same thing to their children?

Small children have a tendency to wake up either from their daytime naps or their restful nighttime sleep and they can wander to their parents rooms and not always at an appropriate time and when mommy and daddy are caught in that wrong moment its up to them to make up a liar to explain and escape the awkward situation of having to give their little ones the sex talk. Maybe the kids are up in their rooms and are awaken by the loud sounds coming from their parents bedroom and in the morning at the breakfast table the kids are curious as to what the ruckus was the previous night.... yeah, "We were just wrestling."

In reality these lies can be pretty harmless --- Lying to children can be an essential quick excuse to put them to ease when a better reason or explanation is not always available for adults that are caught off guard and there really shouldn't be any negative judgement to adults who do the occasional lie, its only when it becomes a common occurrence that we should as society be worried

Monday, December 7, 2015

Fans Rejoice at First Gameplay Reveal from Final Fantasy VII Remake

"Fans Rejoice in Latest Gameplay Footage from Final Fantasy VII Remake"

First look at new gameplay footage from the long awaited remake leaves fans stunned.

Earlier this year during the Electronic Entertainment Expo (E3), audiences were surprised when both Sony and Square-Enix announced that after nearly twenty years the ever so requested remake of Final Fantasy VII was finally being developed for fans to relive the whole experience all over again. While many fans have been wishing and hoping for a remake to become reality, many did not expect the game to evolve as much as it has since the games initial release in 1997.

It's been months since E3 has passed, and Sony has decided to give an early look at how the gameplay may appear when gamers get their hands on the title.

Keen eyed fans who are familiar with the original PlayStation release will notice that this gameplay montage takes place during the opening mission that players experience when they get introduced to the world of Gaia. This level was used as a basic instructional guide for new players to get a grasp on the game controls and meet two of the main characters, Cloud and Barrett

After viewing the gameplay footage, some fans were worried that the tone of the battles from the original game would be lost to a new action-based combat system similar to seen in the Kingdom Hearts series and Square-Enix's upcoming Final Fantasy XV. Commenting on concerns fan have regarding the gameplay style, producer Yoshinori Kitase said,

 "I can’t say the new game is completely action-based, but it has more of that element and real-time than the previous game. However, what makes Final Fantasy and RPG different from other games is that the players have the ability to choose weapons, capabilities and magic to be strategic minded, so while the new game has more real-time element, it will also maintain that strategy building element, balancing these two factors perfectly to enhance the gaming experience."
Fan reactions on Reddit seem to be generally positive:

With the recent announcement by the producers of the project that the remake will be much larger in scale requiring for the game to be released in multiple parts, some fans will undoubtedly have some reservations in not having the entire experience available upon release but the general reaction on Reddit is remaining mostly optimistic.

Many fans in fact never thought a remake would ever be made, as for many years Mr. Kitase has been casting doubts that a project so large would be almost impossible to get everything set up where Square-Enix could even consider a remake of Final Fantasy VII, but of course, he may have been trying to through off fans of the beloved Final Fantasy series to make the announcement and subsequent gameplay footage that much bigger of a surprise.

Original Poster: Wrexis
Community: /r/Games