Thursday, August 11, 2016

The Worst Year of My Life

I knew this year was going to be a bad one, from the very beginning of 2016.

 For years, my wife Kelly has expressed her interest in leaving me once and for all because in the past, before I had my anxiety and depression issues in check I would always react to stress in one of two ways, each as emotionally straining as the other: uncontrollable and frantic crying or the irresistible urge to just yell and scream, both of course would hurt Kelly or the kids. Of course, over the past several months since Kelly took the kids and moved over 500 miles away I have since been diagnosed and been treated for bipolar disorder. I'm actually surprised that being diagnosed with bipolar disorder took so long as I've always shown the signs for it... plus my mother had this for much of her life before contracting cancer and dying.

So what do I do now? Unfortunately when Kelly had moved out, she cancelled my medicaid insurance as we were both on the same case number and there really wasn't any way of me trying to stop her..I've since tried to reapply for the insurance but I'm still waiting to see if it got approved or denied, but I feel like this more recent diagnosis will help get it approved (I hope!). You might be thinking why don't I have insurance through another organization? Well, for years I have been suffering from bodily pain in my back, hips, arms and legs and it wasn't until I started seeing a doctor for all of this is when I discovered that the pain I've been suffering from was due to fibromyalgia and the chronic pain has only gotten worse since she left me.. as it was likely caused by all of the stressful episodes I've endured over the past eleven years.. do I blame Kelly? For most of it, sure, but me being paranoid and my ability to get easily worried hasn't helped, either.


No, the worst of it all hurts me more than any physical condition or medical diagnosis... the worst of it all is how Kelly has treated me since she left.

Kelly promised me she'd speak to me at least once a day whether it be through phone call, text message, or email. I just wanted to know for a fact that her and the kids were doing well.

Kelly promised me she'd try to send me a picture of the kids ever now and then... she sent four within the first two weeks.

Kelly has lied to her mom and dad about things regarding me. Kelly told her dad that I stole the SNAP food card when the truth is Kelly literally gave it to me as she left. I'm sure there are other things she has lied about.

I'm not saying I'm perfect, either. I've been annoying by calling her over and over and over again to the point that she changed her number, blocked my number, blocked me on several of her email addresses, locked me out of our Amazon account, our shared Google account, BLOCKED me on her Google account, blocked me on her Twitter, Netflix and other things... when she wants to do something, she makes sure it's not only very hurtful but also spiteful.

But you know what? I don't care. I don't care what she has done to me, I don't care of all the fighting we had over eleven years, all the thousands and thousands of dollars that she has taken and spent behind my back or even if she is with another man in Texas (I'm assuming, at this point), but I'd forgive her in a heartbeat. I love her. She's my Kelly, my wife, the mother of our children..

Last year on Google Plus, Kelly had posted this image:


The thing is, I disagree. I've tried everything I could think of to try to be comfortable being alone, and sometimes not alone, I've hung out with people, I try to play games, try to stream on Twitch, I try to listen to music and watch movies... but not of it is fun. I can barely watch TV anymore... I always enjoyed it watching it with Kelly or my babies. It just doesn't have that fulfillment like it used to... Hell, I've tried watching TV with other people (such as my dad), but it's just not the same. Sure, Kelly has grown quite distant from me for a while... but I still enjoyed doing stuff together than doing stuff alone. I hate sitting in this quiet house with nothing but the sound of myself... I hate it.. I miss the sound of my kids screaming at each other, I miss the sound of their laughter... I miss the sound of their tears... I miss my family.

I just want my family back. That would make everything so much better.

But at this point, I deserve to suffer.

**PS if Kelly reads this**: If there is anything I forgot to add about the bad things I've done, let me know.